Tommy Cooper One Liners
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1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the |
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a
look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's
cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it..'
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or
my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's
Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other
one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.
19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice.'
20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several
places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.